Past, future… is there something missing?

32 months ago… at that time, I used to love her. Used to love her silently, never spoke my heart to anyone. At the moment I am writing this, the memories of her are still strong. And I miss…

 

“I did love you. I loved you almost since the first moment you revealed yourself to me. I loved you more and more as the days were passing, as much as I was realizing how special and different you were.
Loved you because you were representing the future itself, so full of dreams, plans and hopes. I loved you because you were something I thought I could never become, I loved you for your open mind and spirit… for your pure freedom that I do (can’t afford myself) not have.

Because you were doing so well on your own… but not me. I have been always relating to someone, always wanting something which wasn't up to me to get. Too much hand of fortune in my life, until I reached the point of my self-awakening. I almost forgot about my power to build what I want.

I continuously loved you... loved you until I realized I am just... just exactly as you are. Either I am what I used to call "different and special" when it came about you, either you... you lost that thing which made you so special to me, that thing that made me fall for you. We are simply too much alike, I want you... just... just to surprise me. Do not allow me to get to know you... be my friend, but also be a "stranger".

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Have thought a lot, during the last 2 months about what I just posted. I just wanted to see how sincerely I allow myself to be with myself, and how hard could it be to deal with my actual feelings. It’s hard, almost a burden, to have the feelings. I am Cris. Sincere as much as I could be.
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It will all get its meaning into the right eyes, at the right time…”

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Not so much a dream

And I was sitting next to this tree. My entire being was filled with light, I had such a joyful peace in my soul, and I was praying. I spoke to Him. There was a continuous stream of joy that I felt, a joy without any natural reason... you know, that kind of feeling that makes your hairs stand?

At a moment, He said to me: "...and what makes you think you're an usual man?" ("...I do not know, perhaps it is the fact that I have lost faith in all that used to keep me going so far? Or maybe it is the people that I've surrounded myself with? Or maybe it is because this particular person that I've got into my life is such a character, and she takes from me even the mere freedom of having a dream of my own?)

Right after He spoke, a woman with her little baby came to this tree without a noise, without me noticing her. I was wondering why He stopped speaking... Why you stopped talking to me?

I've seen the woman and in my crazed mind, I made her go away...

The very next moment, my alarm rang. Yes, I woke up. Was all a dream -- and still puzzled out... what did you want me to see? What were you trying to show me? I'm up now, but... but also down.

_________________ ReadMe.happy

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