Past, future… is there something missing?

32 months ago… at that time, I used to love her. Used to love her silently, never spoke my heart to anyone. At the moment I am writing this, the memories of her are still strong. And I miss…

 

“I did love you. I loved you almost since the first moment you revealed yourself to me. I loved you more and more as the days were passing, as much as I was realizing how special and different you were.
Loved you because you were representing the future itself, so full of dreams, plans and hopes. I loved you because you were something I thought I could never become, I loved you for your open mind and spirit… for your pure freedom that I do (can’t afford myself) not have.

Because you were doing so well on your own… but not me. I have been always relating to someone, always wanting something which wasn't up to me to get. Too much hand of fortune in my life, until I reached the point of my self-awakening. I almost forgot about my power to build what I want.

I continuously loved you... loved you until I realized I am just... just exactly as you are. Either I am what I used to call "different and special" when it came about you, either you... you lost that thing which made you so special to me, that thing that made me fall for you. We are simply too much alike, I want you... just... just to surprise me. Do not allow me to get to know you... be my friend, but also be a "stranger".

___________________

Have thought a lot, during the last 2 months about what I just posted. I just wanted to see how sincerely I allow myself to be with myself, and how hard could it be to deal with my actual feelings. It’s hard, almost a burden, to have the feelings. I am Cris. Sincere as much as I could be.
_____________________________________________

It will all get its meaning into the right eyes, at the right time…”

Read More

The dream I dream… the dream of her…

Last night I couldn't fall asleep at all, I spent ~ 2 h trying to get some rest... last night I felt so strange, when I thought of her... of her... it made me seek companion in something else, not in a material being - at least for the moment... so I fell asleep. I had a dream about HER, SHE again...

She used to haunt my dreams, […]

This girl is haunting my dreams... Remember I told you I dreamt about her several times, and the topic of each single dream was the same: she was missing me and she was hoping for me to forgive her and come back. Several days ago, I had this dream: I accidentally found her in a waiting room in Vienna. I see her, she sees me, I look into her eyes, but… but I do not approach. I keep on going. I passed that room without showing attention to her, but I knew she was there, watching me from behind… and I returned. When I shut the door behind me, I stopped... for some reason I stopped…

Without being too much aware of what I was doing, I opened the door to come back to that room where she was, and SHE was opening it from the inside... The crying angel jumped into my arms, crying and telling me to forgive, to come back... and I gave her the most sensitive hug I have ever gave to someone... Last night I could physically feel her tears on my face when she was hugging me crying... telling me the same thing...

Why am I having these dreams? Why does she come into my dreams when I am deeply fallen into depression and sadness? Which is the meaning of these dreams with her? Could it be me MY OWN WISH to have her back... unconscious wish? What is she feeling about this? Does SHE… ever know…? 

…and I miss. The night comes on again, and so she will. In the night she comes to haunt… As of now, I miss her, like I never missed anyone.

What is going on with me? Why is she still messing with my wrecked life?

_____________________________

Peace has slowly descended into my soul… feeling detached of everything right now, I close myself inside me and I wait the day of tomorrow. I wish I was free… free, just like her. I have no doubt one day I will see her again… Eye to eye…

_________________ ReadMe.happy

Read More

Let me fly, let me fly… I do wanna say Goodbye…

 

...to me, to what I was, to what I am being caught into, for so long...

Wanted to fly... but I've been held down. When I dared to raise my wings to get away... of you, of myself, there has always been something someone one dragging me down... to suck away my strength to move on... God, how... mortal, could I be??

This is me, the same student of life, the same day-dreamer, who hopes in finding an escape, in a moment of extreme self-criticism.

Read More

...'cause I'm here, and... and you're not her

Love flows on, love flows on...

...and the memories of the days you used to be mine... struggle out to reach... it is painful to bring the old times back, and my need to escape grows stronger as each day is passing by. I look into the mirror and I can not find a trace of what I used to be... of what you made me be. Instead, I look deep within the heart, where there's what remembers me of the other world I once've been part of... It lays there, sealed, in the waiting of the day it'll be free.. and I as well. There's no other wish... and yet, I'm walking down a path out of many, which doesn't lead me to what I craving for. My awareness is not enough to stop. That's the struggle of my life, that's the burden I must bear, for once I have been blind.

The song in my heart is slowly playing a tune... sorrow and pain at a time. It has emerged from the inner depths within me, out to reach... and that's so far away. Love flows on... love flows on... and the chains are mine to carry.

'till I'll meet you in the other dimension...

_________________ ReadMe.happy

Read More