29 September, 2009

Stupid, stupid me to return to you.

King of the world

It started at ~ 03:00 last night. At that time, I was in Austria, in Vienna, having fun with some friends, in one's of them home. Everything went fine, until something strange happened. They all left and I had been left alone with the house owner. For some reason, this guy pissed me off, and I decided to leave his house, just like the others did. But... when I was in his yard, I just realized I was holding in both of my hands 2 SMGs, and… I got back into his room, he was on his computer, and I shot him, then I destroyed his computer. After this I left for good, and I got the feeling that he didn't die, and he called his friends, told them about what had happened and sent them to chase me. These guys started to hunt me, and I found salvation at the underground station. But when I got down there, I found them all. The strange thing is that they didn't do any harm to me... and they allowed me to get on the train, to return to some other place. This underground station was dark, so cold, and I could barely see the train which was about to run over me.

I got up in, I found a seat, and in the next moment, She came up, and I could easily read on her face that she was also scared of something. I helped her to calm down, and then we both decided to go to another house there.

We made it to our next location, we settled down... we were together. After a moment a Korean girl showed up, and soon after this I found myself in a dark yard, searching for this Korean girl. I had a shank in my hand, I cannot explain what I was doing with it, until I heard a loud barking...a huge Rottweiler was running to me, barking loud, preparing to attack. When he was close, I stepped back a few steps to prepare my hit on it, and in the next moment another shank appeared in my other hand, so now I had two shanks to defend myself. The dog got scared when he saw me armed, and it lost its courage. I got the chance to hit it only one time, then this big dog ran away yelping.

It was about morning, the light came down into that dark yard... and the Korean girl came down from the balcony where she was sitting in whole this time, watching.

Suddenly I was in Brasov, in my dad's garden. There he and my little brother were working on some mortuary crosses. I got close to them, and I saw their names on the crosses, my mother's name, and my initials. They were working on our mortuary crosses for our graves. GOD...

As I was in Brasov, I wanted to get a kitten for me, as I was supposed to come back in Bucharest in the same day. But there were these three cats in the yard, all of them running, and I couldn't catch the one I wanted. Then the guys who were hunting me in Vienna appeared in there, and surrounded the cats. This time they were not hunting me, but obeying me. I told them to shoot a male cat, the one I didn't want, and at my signal, they did so.

The wounded cat fell down on the ground... I approached him, and I got him in my arms...He was bleeding and he had a heavy breath... and I felt so bad, so sorry... the cat was dying, because I gave the order to these guys to shoot... I felt this little body shivering in my arms, heard his heavy breath, and my fingers on the wounds wouldn't stop the bleeding... God... he was shivering so bad. Everyone around there disappeared and I was alone, with the dying cat in my arms... I started to cry so hard, I wanted I could do something to save this life... he could barely mew, and then he lost the strength to make any sound... the only sound was his breath, weaker and weaker with every moment... shivering all around and continuously bleeding, and my tears dropping in his fur...

Then She appeared again there and saw me crying, holding the cat close to my heart... I told her... "He wasn't guilt of anything, he didn't do anything to deserve this... he does not understand what has just happened to him, but it hurts him... he feels he will die soon, and he asks God... why am I dying for, my God?... and he will give his life because I wanted so... I am the guilty one, he doesn't deserve to die..." - and I couldn't stop crying.


I woke up. Thank God it was a dream only. I woke up crying for good, the cold tears on my pillow were the ones to wake me. Actually, at the time when I am writing these lines, I feel just like I felt in the dream. And there is nothing I can do. I am worried about the meanings of this dream, I am scared now and I miss Her so bad. I shot a guy. Then I have been attacked by a dog. Then my family members' names on crosses for their graves, and my initials also. Then I had the life of a little being free of guilt, in my hands, and with a word I took it away. Then my crying. I am thinking about another thing... She appeared in my dream two times, just when I needed support... She was there for me.

This night was enough to fuck up everything with me, and I am not doing well at all right now. What should I understand, out of everything? Which was the message that somebody up there wants me to understand? Where have I been last night? These thoughts freak me out completely, I cannot describe what I am feeling now, as I am conscious.

I am scared.



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